What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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