Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
