it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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