mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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