Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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