you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
