i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
