I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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