My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
