I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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