Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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