when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
