Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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