My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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