You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
