I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
