mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
