I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
