You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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