Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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