Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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