You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
FUCK WHALES
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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