a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
