im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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