I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
