Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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