bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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