Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
