It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
