Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
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