why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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