Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
