38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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