we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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