I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
