remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My pussy is not your playground.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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