WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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