my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
