just tell him i said nine months
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize