You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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