so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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