yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
