I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
