What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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