He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
