The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
