I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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