i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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