She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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