I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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