I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
