I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
