This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
