So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
