Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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