Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
